{"id":22874,"date":"2016-11-03T16:20:18","date_gmt":"2016-11-03T20:20:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/?p=22874"},"modified":"2024-05-18T22:14:01","modified_gmt":"2024-05-18T22:14:01","slug":"confront-someone-peacefully-productively","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/confront-someone-peacefully-productively\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Confront Someone Peacefully and Productively"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Unless you\u2019re a robot, it\u2019s almost a guarantee that at one point another you\u2019ll have to approach someone about something they might\u2019ve done either intentionally or unintentionally. Most people find extreme discomfort in the act of confronting someone in order to absolve an issue and reach a common ground. We do so for numerous reasons, including:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>We have painful memories of past confrontations gone awry<\/li>\n<li>We don\u2019t want to be confronted for fear of being \u201cfound out\u201d (that we\u2019re doing something wrong or have disappointed others)<\/li>\n<li>It\u2019s difficult to assert ourselves in heavily power-laden or political environments (like many of our workplaces)<\/li>\n<li>We find it hard to master our emotions effectively when we\u2019re talking about something challenging or fear-inducing<\/li>\n<li>We second-guess, question and doubt ourselves regarding our grounds and motives for confrontation<\/li>\n<li>We (again, particularly women) don\u2019t want to be seen as \u201cmean\u201d or challenging<\/li>\n<li>We\u2019d rather it just \u201cwork out\u201d magically [1]<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>However, \u201cthe most important reason [to confront someone] is the deep psychological one:\u00a0<em>You matter<\/em>, your opinion matters, and having a voice is worth a little discomfort for you and those around you.\u201d [2]<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s how to do that peacefully and productively:<\/p>\n<p><strong>1. Ask yourself\u2026.is this worth bringing up?<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-22875 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/Picture2-300x200.png\" alt=\"confront\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" \/><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The absolute first thing you should do is ask yourself if the issue is even worth bringing up to someone. If you\u2019re answering this question while in a state of sadness or anger, then the answer is almost always going to be yes. Give yourself some time to live out the longevity of your <em>initial<\/em> emotional reaction, and while doing so, make sure that you have all the information and that it\u2019s reliable and truthful. You never want to go into a confrontation with your guns blazing hasty accusations. The person will immediately retreat to a state of defense and you\u2019ll be farther from a common ground than you were before approaching them. If someone did something to you directly, like say something that offended you during a meeting, then you have all the information you need. Simply ask yourself, should I let this go? Or will I feel better if I confront them about it? If the answer to the second question is yes, then you should take the next step.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2. Choose the right setting. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Confronting someone should always be done in private and never in front of people who aren\u2019t involved. Not only is it very distasteful, but it makes other people extremely uncomfortable. Additionally, don\u2019t do it in a place where you are likely to be interrupted. Confronting someone in private allows the attention to be focused on the issue at hand without interruption, embarrassment, or the input of someone who isn\u2019t involved. Depending on the severity of the situation, you can choose to do it via text or email. But bear in mind that tone, meaning, etc. can be easily misconstrued when we don\u2019t have non-verbal ques or instant clarification like we do when confrontation is done in person. Additionally, it can take more time to absolve when you\u2019re constantly typing replies back and forth. For best results, gather the courage to do it in person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3. Choose the best opener\u2026it\u2019ll set the tone for the conversation. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Think about how you would want someone to confront you. We can assume it isn\u2019t an anger induced rage, right? It\u2019s done in a calm, rational manner that provides a comfortable parallel for information and clarification to be transmitted between two people. Opening that parallel should be done in a well thought out manner. Here are some pointers:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Rather than saying something like \u201cI need to talk to you about something\u201d or \u201ccan I talk to you?\u201d which instantly gives most people a panicky sensation, say something like \u201chey, you got a quick minute?\u201d or \u201chey can I ask you a quick question?\u201d They\u2019re both vague and offer no insight into the nature of the conversation, which will prevent their immediate \u201cguard\u201d to be up.<\/li>\n<li>Don\u2019t use a loud, sassy, or accusatory tone. How you say something is just as important as what you say.<\/li>\n<li>If you heard about it through a third party, don\u2019t get into specifics about the source. Rather than saying \u201cso and so told me that\u2026\u201d or &#8220;I heard from so and so that you\u2026\u201d, say something along the lines of \u201cit\u2019s gotten back to me that\u2026\u201d They may ask specifically who said something, and you are not obligated nor should you tell them who it was. Should they ask, simply say \u201cI just heard it from hear-say.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Leave your opener open-ended so that they have an opportunity to react. Don\u2019t jump right in by saying \u201cI heard you said XYZ about me, and it really made me angry. I can\u2019t believe you\u2019d say that about me!\u201d Instead, give them an opportunity to react to the new information before telling them how it made you feel. In doing so, you\u2019re giving them the opportunity to possibly clarify what was said or done, or immediately take responsibility for it.<\/li>\n<li>Use the \u201csandwich\u201d method. Open with a positive statement, state the issue, end the conversation with a positive statement. [2]<img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-22876 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/Picture3-300x146.png\" alt=\"confront\" width=\"300\" height=\"146\" \/><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>4. Wait for their reaction\u2026here\u2019s what they might do: <\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Offer clarification, and then wait for your response.\n<ul>\n<li>Be prepared for new information that may make you re-consider your position. Enter the situation with an open-heart, a desire to communicate clearly, and a willing to find a resolution, if possible. [3]<\/li>\n<li>If they\u2019re clarification makes the situation better, but still worthy of you being reasonably upset, then explain that regardless, it still made you feel XYZ to the point where you felt you had to talk to them about it.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Justify their actions\n<ul>\n<li>If they try and justify what they did or said with an invalid reason, to defend themselves or save face, stick to your guns. This is them not taking responsibility for the fact that what they did or said was hurtful to you. Offer a short summary of how they made you feel.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Get irrationally defensive.\n<ul>\n<li>Usually when someone is feeling \u201cbacked into a corner\u201d they\u2019ll get overly defensive and start trying to flip the script. \u201cI only said that because you started going around acting like XYZ\u201d. If they try to flip the script by saying that their action was a retaliation to something you did, ask them why they didn\u2019t just come speak to you directly, and emphasize that you thought they had the kind of relationship where communication was open.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Play dumb.\n<ul>\n<li>It\u2019s obviously a very juvenile tactic to play dumb. In a perfect world, they would just take responsibility for what they said or did. But since they\u2019re choosing to take this route, they\u2019re not going to just magically remember what they did. If they play dumb or deny their actions, simply say something along the lines of \u201coh thank god, because when I heard\/saw that, I was really upset there for a minute. I thought you had actually said that, and I didn\u2019t want to believe it.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li>Best case scenario (and what most rational adults should strive to do) is put their pride aside and take responsibility for the fact that what they did or said caused a reaction negative enough to create a situation where they needed to be confronted. If they do apologize, you can either forgive them and move on or tell them how it made you feel before forgiving them. Either way, depending on the severity of the situation, you should consider the fact that they 1. Took responsibility for their action 2. Actively rectified it 3. Genuinely hoped for your forgiveness. Life is short, you don\u2019t have to forget, but for your own well-being, it\u2019s best to forgive people in order to move on with your own life.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Whatever you do, don\u2019t\u2026.<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Raise your voice. Even if they do, keep a calm and even tone (if even your heart is racing). Yelling is irrational and unnecessary for getting a point across. Pretty soon, they\u2019ll realize they just look ridiculous and like they\u2019re throwing a tantrum.<\/li>\n<li>Curse. You\u2019re a professional, remain so even when things escalate.<\/li>\n<li>Bring up stuff you\u2019ve already put behind you. If you\u2019ve forgiven them and moved on, keep it in the past. But, always use past patterns to make future decisions.<\/li>\n<li>Feel like you have to keep going. Sometimes, people resort to irrational and erratic behavior, especially in tense situations. If it gets out of hand and you\u2019re not getting anywhere with that person, simply say \u201cwell, I thought this would be easy and you\u2019d just take responsibility for your poor decision, but I guess not so, see you later.\u201d Use that as an indicator that this person is difficult, proud, and childish. Limit contact with them in the future, you don\u2019t need their negativity.<\/li>\n<li>Forget how much you\u2019re worth.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright wp-image-22877 size-medium\" src=\"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/Picture4-300x197.png\" alt=\"confront\" width=\"300\" height=\"197\" \/><strong>5. Now, take a minute to decompress in solitude and think about what happened.<\/strong> Regardless of the outcome, move on. Take comfort in the fact that you\u2019re thankful to be someone who\u2019s successful and likable. You did your part by approaching them peacefully, and simply bringing it up, you\u2019ve forced them to reflect on their actions. You did everything right, let them live with their poor actions now\u2026not you.<\/p><p><strong>References<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>[1] Coprino, Kathy. &#8220;5 Critical Steps to Fearless Confrontation.&#8221;\u00a0<em>Forbes<\/em>. Forbes Magazine, 4 Nov. 2013. Web. 22 Sept. 2016.<\/p>\n<p>[2] Howes, Ryan. &#8220;How to Confront.&#8221;\u00a0<em>Psychology Today<\/em>. Sussex Publishers, 27 June 2014. Web. 22 Sept. 2016.<\/p>\n<p>[3] Raeeka. &#8220;4 Simple Tips for Confronting Someone Who Hurt You.&#8221;\u00a0<em>Tiny Buddha<\/em>. Tiny Buddha, LLC., 2015. Web. 22 Sept. 2016.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Image Retrieval (In Order)<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Confrontation Word Cloud, Business Concept<\/em>. Digital image.\u00a0<em>123rf.com<\/em>. 123RF, n.d. Web. 22 Sept. 2016.<\/li>\n<li>A tense moment between two women on a sofa. Digital image.\u00a0<em>com<\/em>. Demand Media, 3 July 2015. Web. 22 Sept. 2016.<\/li>\n<li>Two women speaking to each other. Digital image.\u00a0<em>Psychology Today<\/em>. Psychology Today, 27 June 2014. Web. 22 Sept. 2014.<\/li>\n<li>Marina Pissarova. Woman doing yoga meditation in white costume on the beach in Goa, India. Digital image.\u00a0<em>com<\/em>. 123RF, n.d. Web. 22 Sept. 2016.<\/li>\n<\/ul>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Unless you\u2019re a robot, it\u2019s almost a guarantee that at one point another you\u2019ll have to approach someone about something they might\u2019ve done either intentionally or unintentionally. Most people find extreme discomfort in the act of confronting someone in order to absolve an issue and reach a common ground. We do so for numerous reasons, &#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":22878,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1305],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22874","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22874","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22874"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22874\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":54822,"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22874\/revisions\/54822"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22878"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22874"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22874"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.atlantictraining.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22874"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}